On March 9, 2011 at 2:22am I received a phone call that changed my life forever – my mother had died. I was numb, how could this be. How do you say goodbye to your mommy? Marcel and I got in the car and drove to the Bronx. I don’t remember that ride except when we got off my mother’s exit and the smell of skunk filled our car. I smiled through the tears and said, “That’s my mom, she’s saying good bye.” A year later I realized that wasn’t her saying good bye but it was the first of many times she is saying she’s still with me. The morning of the funeral I stood next to her coffin and jokingly asked Marcel, “Isn’t she cute? Can’t we stuff her and keep her in the back room? We can prop her up in a chair.” I was so afraid to say good bye to her. I didn’t want to not ever see her cute chubby face, I didn’t want to be unable to sit on her lap and cuddle as I’m not embarrassed to say at 28 years old I was still doing any chance I could, even when she’d yell at me “get off me you big fat cow!” I was so afraid to say good bye to my mom. Now looking back I know that although physically that was my mom lying in that coffin, I wasn’t saying good bye to her, I was just saying good bye to her body. Her spirit is still very much with me every day. It’s in me and the friends and family that she left behind every time we talk about her or we make a reference to some ridiculously funny thing she said or did. All of who she was made me who I am today and even through this loss, it has become a part of me. In little ways like the smell of the skunk that chilly Wednesday morning she shows me that she is still with me. Every time I notice triple numbers on the clock, which is now a regular occurrence in my daily life, I like to think it’s like a little hello, I’m still here from my mom. When I’m feeling down or anxious I think of her and it helps. Or when I know I’m going to have a rough day, just like today is, I wear her perfume and just that familiar smell is enough to get me through. Just like our song says: “Mama you taught me to do the right things So now you have to let your baby fly You’ve given me everything that I will need To make it through this crazy thing called life …so don’t you worry about me.” Rest in Peace, Mommy